Tag: funny

Happy Holidays: Here's some funny one liners to share.

Happy Holidays: Here's some funny one liners to share.

Well it is the holiday season and you’re in need of a one liner, well you’ve come to the right place.

  1. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  2. Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
  3. Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
  4. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
  5. “Hey, I’m sorry but my karma just ran over your dogma”
  6. He told me: “I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me”
  7. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after
  8. When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
  9. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
  10. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
  11. “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”
  12. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular
  13. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
  14. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night
  15. Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
  16. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which side would it fall on?
  17. Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?
  18. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
  19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  20. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.
  21. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
  22. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  23. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  24. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  25. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
  26. Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
  27. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
  28. Why do you have to “put your two cents in”, but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
  29. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  30. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
  31. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
  32. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
  33. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
  34. Why isn’t there mouse favoured cat food? There is fish flavoured!
  35. Is it possible to be totally partial?
  36. Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer
  37. Look busy – God’s coming
  38. On the other hand, you have different fingers…
  39. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  40. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now
  41. Laugh alone and people cross the street to avoid you
  42. Eschew obfuscation
  43. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  44. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  45. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
  46. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  47. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
  48. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better
  49. What disease did cured ham originally have?
  50. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
  51. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  52. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  53. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  54. Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  55. Out of my mind… back in five minutes
  56. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
  57. So what’s the speed of dark?
  58. It’s not hard to meet expenses; they’re everywhere
  59. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
  60. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  61. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  62. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway
  63. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  64. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  65. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse
  66. Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
  67. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
  68. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
  69. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself
  70. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
  71. OK… so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs”, what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
  72. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
  73. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done
  74. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  75. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
  76. If lawyers are disbarred & clergymen defrocked, should electricians be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed & dry cleaners depressed?
  77. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
  78. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  79. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
  80. Religious truths: 1-Jews don’t see Jesus as Messiah 2-Protestants don’t see the Pope as head of Christianity 3-Baptists don’t see each other in the liquor store
  81. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  82. Adults are just kids who owe money
  83. Give me ambiguity or give me something else
  84. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  85. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  86. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
  87. What’s another word for thesaurus?
  88. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
  89. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  90. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  91. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  92. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
  93. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  94. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left
  95. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  96. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
8 Tips for Using Social Blogging to Grow Your Business

8 Tips for Using Social Blogging to Grow Your Business

Quick takeaways:
1. Position yourself as an expert.
2. Share experiences and information.
3. Keep it fresh and mix it up.
4. Encourage interaction and feedback.
5. Use schedulers and update apps.
6. Make your blog the central hub.
7. Link back to your website.
8. Use a personal touch.

Amplify’d from www.inc.com

Use continuous updates and punchy messages to heighten interest and keep your customers informed about products or services which in turn can boost sales.

Social networking. The big corporations have bought into it. Smaller companies, too. Even independent consultants use Twitter, LinkedIn, and Facebook to do business. It is a great way to get the word out about your product or service. It boosts brand awareness, it builds loyalty, and it attracts and retains customers.

But more companies are exploring ways to get a bigger pay off with social media. The next frontier of social networking and weblogging is social blogging. This ever-changing construct represents a way of communicating for people who like to inform each other about their daily activities and share common points of interest, according to Wikipedia authors Lambert M. Surhone, Mariam T. Tennoe, and Susan F. Henssonow. This is usually done through continual updates that often include text, pictures, audio, or video.

In general, you want to use social media to increase your visibility, improve your search engine results, and drive more traffic to your company’s website, which stands a good chance of increasing sales and growing the business. Social blogging is simply another tool to add to your overall social media strategic toolkit.

Business owners whose companies are at all levels of growth, from promising start-ups to established and mature firms, are looking for effective promotional tools that are also cost-effective, says Gail Z. Martin, author of 30 Days To Social Media Success. “Though social media is one of the most exciting new communications tools to emerge in the last twenty years and can provide cost effective marketing, it’s one of the most misunderstood mediums,” says Martin.

Social media, be it weblogging, microblogging (i.e., Twitter), or posting status updates, is a different kind of marketing. It’s not about creating a sales pitch for your product or service. Instead, it’s about generating interest and keeping your audience current on news, events, and the latest product developments. A social blog is essentially a form or combination of microblogs (short posts) and status updates. Users post content such as short sentences, images, or video links to large groups of friends, followers, or co-workers. As with traditional weblogging, users can write messages on topics that range from “what am I doing right now” to thematic ones such as “best places to eat sushi.” These messages can be transmitted via posting, text messaging, or e-mailing.

Businesses can use the concept of social blogging to provide up-to-the-minute news as they will find the need for quicker, current, and condensed information far more useful to their audiences, say social media gurus. But social blogs and status updates on Twitter and Facebook, for instance, aren’t just limited to news content, businesses also can use these as effective forms of communication to reach large groups of consumers and associates instantaneously to learn about their needs and wants.

Starbucks Corporation is a social media giant when it comes to engagement, including incorporating blogs, status updates, tweets, and forums. When the trendy Seattle-based coffeehouse chain realized that its sales were stagnating and that competition was becoming fierce, it had to find ways to solidify and expand its market share. In 2009, Starbucks launched the interactive MyStarbucksIdea website and corporate blog. While some industry analysts doubted whether the site would catch on, well over 100,000 internet users had visited the site by the end of its first week online. The site allows users to submit ideas for new drinks, food items, packages, even store designs. Suggestions are voted on by Starbucks consumers with the most popular ones getting highlighted.

But Starbucks took it a step further, adding an “Ideas in Action” blog that gives updates to users on the status of suggested changes. Starbucks doesn’t just communicate news and business developments with its audience, but it also lets them know which of their suggestions the company has really taken to heart. Starbucks also has fully embraced Twitter beyond notifying consumers about bargains; @Starbucks focuses on sharing interesting events and music information or brand- and charity-related topics the company would like to address. It’s not a one-way monologue. Followers are not just entertained. They are being engaged in a brand and conversations around it.

Like Starbucks, Zappos embraces microblogging to manage customer relations. Tweets @Zappos are used to highlight interesting facts, and to talk to customers in a way that is friendly, helpful, funny and trustworthy. The Brooklyn Kitchen keeps foodies up to date on events from notices about the new book club in full swing to the next skills knife class kicking off. Amateur chefs Taylor Erkkinen and Harry Rosenblum opened The Brooklyn Kitchen in 2006 after scouring the neighborhood for kitchenware and coming up empty-handed. Today, their homegrown shop is crammed wall to wall with tools for both serious cooks and hobbyists. The duo focuses on providing useful and targeted information in their posts whether it’s through their website, weblog, or twitter account. From videos on how to shuck oysters or saber a champagne bottle, Erkkinen and Rosenblum always provide real value for enthusiastic cooking fans.

Dig Deeper: 5 Ways to Actually Make Money on Twitter

This type of added-value and engagement translates to increased brand awareness and direct sales. These companies demonstrate the effective use of compelling and condensed content aligned with ta
ngible business objectives. Here are some tips to help you make the most of social blogging:

1. Position yourself as an expert. When people are looking for a product or service, oftentimes they will first look for information about the subject on the Internet. In general, blogging is about having conversations in a public space that position you as a subject matter expert. “The type of discussions you ideally should have ought to be answering questions that people out there on the Internet are searching for,” says Adria Richards, Organic Technology Consultant and blogger. “For me, social blogging is a way to have conversations with potential customers and to draw traffic to your site.” For instance, you can answer questions from consumers via Twitter, which is a popular thing to do.

2. Share experiences and information. Social blogging is often used to share experiences in addition to business ideas and concepts. Always seek unique opportunities to share your ideas and offerings with not only your readers, but their associates as well, which will eventually bring in more prospects. Announce upcoming events, awards, and other news. But do it in a conversational tone. Hopefully, your target audience will retweet or share your story. Don’t overlook Tunmblr, which is popular in the microblogging realm. Users can post text, photos, quotes, links, dialogues, audio, video, slideshows and “Tumble” other posts. Tumblr provides the option of custom domains. You can auto-syndicate to Facebook and Twitter. Users can track stats with Google Analytics.

Read more at www.inc.com

 

Continuous improvement

Continuous improvement

I have a lot of things I need to work on for the sake of those around me who I care about and for myself.

The funny thing is that I’m saying this in the full knowledge that I have bad habit of adjusting myself to suit others which I need to stop doing. That being said, I think we should all strive to be the best we can be, and in this case it aligns with working on things within myself and my interactions with others.

I change all-too-easily for others and I have to stop doing that. However, I need to change in ways that matter. I need more tact, wisdom, care, independence, discipline and a greater sense of peace.

I do love and accept myself the way that I am, I have a sense of peace that I’m where I’m meant to be right now – but I also see who I can be and that is something worth striving for, it’s an exciting prospect! There’s nothing wrong with having both those attitudes simultaneously, even if it makes me sound like a crazy person.

If I am to be a catalyst for progressive change, I need to be more capable with making progressive changes in my own life.

We spend all our lives trying to find out who we are and once we’ve settled  in to a groove it can be very tempting to stick with it.

Over our lifetime we’re going to be stuck in the middle of more significant changes than any generation before us – so how will we respond? Will we be like the generations before us and be either stuck in our ways or confused and lost? Or will we learn to find a fluid stability that is comfortable and challenging?

You grew up in Australia in the 90s if…

You grew up in Australia in the 90s if…

  1. You watched the ABC more than any other station. Those days are long gone.
  2. You made worms by squeezing your Vegemite or peanut butter crackers together.
  3. The best parties always had fairy bread.
  4. The Waugh twins. Go! Aussie! Go!
  5. Super League almost ruining rugby league in Australia.
  6. Getting the Easter Show guide from the paper and circling all the show bags you wanted.
  7. You thought everyone in America carried a gun and you never wanted to go there because you were were scared you’d get shot.
  8. Blinky Bill, Mr Squiggle and Gumby.
  9. You always used to see that dried out, white dog poo on the footpath. You never see that anymore.
  10. SuperTed, Widget The World Watcher and Samurai Pizza Cats.
  11. Going to the Easter Show with a big group of friends from school once you were old enough to go without Mum and Dad
  12. Doing research for school projects by going to the library or looking up an encyclopaedia rather than using the internet.
  13. Brian Henderson and Richard Morecroft reading the news.
  14. Paul Keating was some guy that ran the country and John Howard became the only PM you really ever knew because you were too young to care before that.
  15. Banana Man, Bangers and Mash and The Raggy Dolls.
  16. Game Boy.
  17. Waking up early everyday to watch Agro’s Cartoon Connection or Cheez TV.
  18. Hey Hey It’s Saturday.
  19. Everyone got the Coke bag at the Easter Show and it was only $10.
  20. Buying those 6 packs of Coco Pops, Fruit Loops, Frosties, Rice Bubbles, Nutri-Grain and Corn Flakes so you could have a different one each day and then opening the packets really carefully and removing the cereal so you’d have a mini wardrobe afterwards. You also most probably just let your parents eat the Corn Flakes.
  21. Trying to make the Rainbow Road shortcut on Mario Kart 64.
  22. Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Lift Off (that show with the dirty, eye-less doll named EC).
  23. Playing GoldenEye on the Nintendo 64 and arguing over whether Oddjob was allowed to be used in multiplayer.
  24. The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
  25. Super International Cricket on the SNES.
  26. Arguing over which was better – Nintendo 64 or PlayStation.
  27. Don’t push me, push a push pop!
  28. Nobody made “not” jokes… NOT!!
  29. Bathurst stopped being Holden vs. Ford and all those European cars came in until they came to their senses.
  30. Who shot Mr Burns?
  31. Watching Captain Planet and then driving your parents mad by always singing the song.
  32. That’s so funny, I forgot to laugh.
  33. WWE was WWF and they actually had cool wrestlers like The Rock, Mankind and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
  34. Playing Gran Turismo and MGS on PlayStation.
  35. Roller coasters at Wonderland, Sydney.
  36. You decorated your room with glow-in-the-dark stickers.
  37. SBS didn’t have any ads. Not that you ever watched it anyway, except maybe for softcore porn.
  38. You played marbles and could name all the different types like blue moon, oily, candy, red wine, galaxy and red devil. You never played anyone for your god marble.
  39. Feeling sad when your Tamagotchi died.
  40. Singing “a ram sam sam, a ram sam sam, guli guli guli guli guli, ram sam sam, a rafi, a rafi, guli guli guli guli guli ram sam sam”.
  41. Seeing a small rack of DVDs in the video store and wondering if anyone ever rented them.
  42. Dolly the sheep.
  43. Getting up early to watch the Rage Top 50.
  44. Friends when they were all actually just friends. Why didn’t Phoebe and Joey get together?
  45. Sonic the Hedgehog.
  46. Watching The Simpsons back when it was funny, every night on Channel 10.
  47. Power Rangers becoming cooler than the Ninja Turtles, even though the Turtles will always be cooler.
  48. Watching South Park for the first time and being really excited by all the swearing.
  49. Watching Hercules and then being disappointed when Xena Warrior Princess replaced it. Nobody was cooler than Herc.
  50. Blowing on the Nintendo cartridge before putting it in the console to make sure it worked properly.
  51. Smell the cheese.
  52. Vulcan, Tower, Flame… Australian Gladiators.
  53. Playing Mortal Kombat and trying to do a fatality but just ending up punching accidentally.
  54. Pokemon! Gotta catch ‘em all!
  55. Watching Hey Dad! and then seeing little Arthur McArthur go on to star in that famous Sorbent ad.
  56. Full Frontal, not Comedy Inc.
  57. Wolfenstein, Doom and Duke Nukem.
  58. Downloading music from Napster.
  59. Chatting with your buddies on ICQ.
  60. Going to see Titanic.
  61. The winner is…Sydney.
  62. Mighty Max and Polly Pocket. Max and Polly always got lost because they were so bloody small.
  63. Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
  64. Waiting for Tony “Plugger” Lockett to break that record.
  65. Australia didn’t always win the cricket.
  66. The Socceroos couldn’t qualify for the World Cup.
  67. John Eales captained the Wallabies and we won the World Cup.
  68. Ray Martin hosted A Current Affair.
  69. Zoopa Doopa ice blocks were only 20c and if you couldn’t afford it, you asked the canteen lady to cut it in half so you could split it with a friend.
  70. Listening to boy bands like Human Nature and girl bands like Girlfriend.
  71. Barbie, not Bratz.
  72. The Spice Girls.
  73. Happy Meals were only $2.95 and the toys were simple but actually good.
  74. Person 1: Who farted!? – Person 2: Whoever smelt it, dealt it! – Person 1: Whoever made the rhyme, commited the crime!
  75. Brad Fittler was the best in the world.
  76. Thorpe won lots of gold medals and wasn’t so gay.
  77. Opposite day.
  78. We all loved Pat Rafter and almost cried when he lost to Goran Ivanisevic because our Pat deserved that title more than anyone. Definitely more than Hewitt ever did.
  79. Playing tackle Bull Rush at lunchtime and having tackling banned. You had to resort to grab 1-2-3 or tip. Same goes for footy.
  80. Giving a friend a backage in the canteen line. If it was your best friend, you gave them a frontage.
  81. Pogs and Looney Tunes Tazos.
  82. Nobody won Wimbledon unless their name was Pete Sampras.
  83. You laughed at the fat kid on the Cottees cordial ad and changed the song to “My Dad picks his nose…”
  84. You ate Smarties instead of M&M’s.
  85. You tried Dr. Pepper and hated it.
  86. Service stations didn’t need space for 4 digits on their petrol prices signs.
  87. Girl germs! Boy germs!
  88. Goosebumps.
  89. You had to actually call your friends rather than send them an SMS.
  90. Wearing a Chicago Bulls T-shirt or cap. Wearing the cap backwards.
  91. Arguing over who got to be Warnie in backyard cricket. Six and out!
  92. Paul Jennings’Gizmo books.
  93. Matchbox cars.
  94. The feeling of wonder you got, the first time you were able to see the image in one of those Magic Eye 3D pictures.
  95. The Secret World of Alex Mack.
  96. Talk to the hand!
  97. Johnson and Friends, Noddy and Humphrey B. Bear.
  98. You wished you had enough Lego to build those amazing cities they displayed in the brochures.
  99. Collecting Yowie toys. Aussie wildlife was way cooler than any stupid Kinder Surprise toy.
  100. Playing truth or dare with your secret crush.
  101. Mark Taylor equalling Don Bradman’s record.
  102. Slap bracelets.
  103. Jurassic Park and those toy dinosaurs where you could pull a piece of the skin out to see its insides.
  104. Roger Ramjet, he’s our man, hero of our nation.
  105. We had paper money.
  106. Telling those Dobbers where to stick it by singing, “Dibba dobba dibba dobba number nine, wearing nappies all the time” and, “Dibba dobba Cindy went to kindy, stepped on a bindy wa wa wa.”
  107. Good on ya Mum! Tip Top’s the one!
  108. You could buy more than enough food from the school cantee
    n
    for only $2.
  109. Begging your parents to go to McDonald’s for dinner.
  110. Rocko’s Modern Life, Rugrats and Hey Arnold!
  111. Noni, Monica and that bald guy named George on Play School.
  112. Going to World 4 Kids to look at all the toys.
  113. Watching The Lion King and feeling Simba’s pain when Mufasa died. Disney just doesn’t make them like that anymore.
  114. Soft serve cones were only 30c and they never tried to up-sell a Flake because they didn’t have it.
  115. Wanting a Brain or Silver Bullet during the yo-yo craze.
  116. Nesquik without the Nes.
  117. Troll Dolls.
  118. The Kids’ Works at Pizza Hut with unlimited drink refills. You made an ice cream mountain covered in choc chips and marshmallows and could never finish it.
  119. Thomas the Tank Engine and TUGS.
  120. Ba-na-na-na-na! Ba-na-na-na-na! Make those bodies sing!
  121. You had to get your photos developed.
  122. Your family didn’t own a 4WD unless it was a real one like a Land Cruiser or Patrol. Range Rovers were tough and nobody thought BMW would make a 4WD, let alone Porsche.
  123. Street Sharks and Biker Mice From Mars
  124. Competing with your friends to see who could eat the most sour Warheads in one go.
  125. The Channel 9 logo had dots next to it and the Channel 7 logo wasn’t a folded piece of paper.
  126. No Hat, no play.
  127. Dr. Dreadful Food Labs. Kids these days wouldn’t be allowed that because its not healthy enough. We didn’t give a shit about our health in the 90’s.
  128. High five! Up high, down low, too slow!
  129. Watching Round the Twist and getting pissed off that the actors kept on changing. You still loved it though.
  130. Cheating in Heads Down, Thumbs Up.
  131. Watching that game show called Vidiot. Game shows didn’t have to be educational back then, like That’s Academic… that show sucks.
  132. Collecting basketball cards, whether you followed basketball or not.
  133. You always wished your parents had bought you a bigger Super Soaker for Christmas. Christmas is hot in Australia… the more water, the better.
  134. Collecting hundreds of tickets from Timezone just so you could trade them for some crappy prize that you could have bought from Woolies for ten bucks.
  135. Healthy Harold day was the best because you got to miss class to sit in a tiny caravan and listen to a talking giraffe.
  136. Playing handball with Ace, King, Queen and Dunce and making up stupid rules as you went along.
  137. Skipping ropes and Jump Rope for Heart Day.
  138. Chewing the crappy gum in Bubble-O-Bill’s nose and wishing they could just use Hubba Bubba instead.
  139. A*mazing.
  140. The Ferals. Rattus, Modigliana, Derryn and Mixy were cool until they started that five minute piece of crap, Feral TV.
  141. Hypercolour T-shirts.
  142. Who Dares! Who Dares! Who Dares Wins!
  143. Having your very own Dollarmites account and getting really excited when you earned a tiny bit of interest.
  144. Growing up in Australia in the 90’s was rad.

Via: Facebook