Happy Holidays: Here's some funny one liners to share.

Happy Holidays: Here's some funny one liners to share.

Well it is the holiday season and you’re in need of a one liner, well you’ve come to the right place.

  1. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  2. Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
  3. Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
  4. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
  5. “Hey, I’m sorry but my karma just ran over your dogma”
  6. He told me: “I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me”
  7. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after
  8. When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
  9. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
  10. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
  11. “Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.”
  12. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular
  13. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
  14. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night
  15. Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
  16. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, which side would it fall on?
  17. Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?
  18. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
  19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  20. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.
  21. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
  22. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  23. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  24. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  25. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
  26. Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
  27. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
  28. Why do you have to “put your two cents in”, but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
  29. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
  30. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
  31. How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
  32. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
  33. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
  34. Why isn’t there mouse favoured cat food? There is fish flavoured!
  35. Is it possible to be totally partial?
  36. Jury: 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer
  37. Look busy – God’s coming
  38. On the other hand, you have different fingers…
  39. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  40. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now
  41. Laugh alone and people cross the street to avoid you
  42. Eschew obfuscation
  43. Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
  44. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  45. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
  46. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  47. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
  48. It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better
  49. What disease did cured ham originally have?
  50. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
  51. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  52. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
  53. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  54. Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
  55. Out of my mind… back in five minutes
  56. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
  57. So what’s the speed of dark?
  58. It’s not hard to meet expenses; they’re everywhere
  59. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
  60. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  61. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  62. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway
  63. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  64. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  65. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse
  66. Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
  67. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
  68. When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
  69. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself
  70. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
  71. OK… so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs”, what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
  72. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
  73. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done
  74. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  75. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
  76. If lawyers are disbarred & clergymen defrocked, should electricians be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed & dry cleaners depressed?
  77. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
  78. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  79. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
  80. Religious truths: 1-Jews don’t see Jesus as Messiah 2-Protestants don’t see the Pope as head of Christianity 3-Baptists don’t see each other in the liquor store
  81. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  82. Adults are just kids who owe money
  83. Give me ambiguity or give me something else
  84. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
  85. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  86. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
  87. What’s another word for thesaurus?
  88. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
  89. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  90. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  91. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  92. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
  93. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  94. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left
  95. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  96. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

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