While I feel like I have blogged a lot recently, I look back at my posts and realise that most of it has been writing a private post (sorry guys, you miss out on a lot!) and then deleting it a few hours later realising that I’ve overreacted to something in my life. I don’t know why I delete them when I’ve already made them private. Some people like to keep a record of their thoughts regardless, but I don’t like holding onto things that aren’t grounded in reason.
I don’t know why but I’ve been a bit on edge lately. I normally don’t let things get to me, but some things I’m more susceptible to than others.
I am a really fortunate person. I really wish some things didn’t bother me this much.
Coupling the things I want to achieve in my life next to being out of my depth financially and academically, and right alongside to my obvious character flaws: I kind of get weary and need a bit more of a safety net than I have at the moment. While I have awesome people around me, my core group has changed and haven’t found my release in the same way.
I miss playing music. It used to be my escape. I miss being so sure about things in life, it was a lot easier.
I’m being challenged with problems I never thought I’d be challenged with. The result is that I feel like a psychopath! Ha. Me? Yeah! When the most basic of values, expectations and assumptions are changed it can be unsettling… and I’m not used to that feeling.
While I’m used to feeling challenged, knocked down hard and out of my depth, I’ve never really had feelings of inadequacy until lately. In fact, I devoted a whole entire private entry into the intricacies of it the other day.
While someone having too much to drink is not a completely legitimate excuse (because it just brings the deeper problems to the surface), I have to learn to be more understanding of it and not to respond to those deeper problems until the time is more appropriate (or until it the problem itself passes with time).
I never realised how such seemingly small things mean the world to me… and how such basic things can mean so little to others.
…don’t even get me started onto why I thing the world is going to be impossible to change in the ways it should.
Mmm. This is post is taking the trend of a lot of my private ones so far… NO RESOLUTIONS!
SO! I will finish this with a resolution and a light at the end of the tunnel.
People ARE good. No matter what we may feel sometimes. Communication MAY suck. But we need to find it within ourselves to pull ourselves out of the mess, cop it on the chin and learn from it. “Ugh…” you say? IT IS WORTH IT!
In conclusion. (1) Life has been very good to me: I’ve been blessed with so many wonderful things, yet I have also got to learn things the hard way. (2) I can be a better person if I see everything as a learning experience. (3) GET BACK ON THE HORSE!! The race isn’t over Luke, you may be speaking to yourself but you’re not THAT crazy :p
…now, time to get back on the horse! I may just need a few whips.