Wow… well I’ve kinda had a lot on my mind. I’m not going to go into much detail, but really big stuff that I haven’t really let anyone in on to any decent degree.
Tonight, when I got home from work, my brother and I had an argument about nothing really, except that the way the argument happened was very important to me. I didn’t want it to be an argument, I wanted to be heard, I didn’t want to be seen as unreasonable, and I wanted him to see that I was genuine in what I said.
The argument wasn’t the “wow” factor that I am referring to. As stated before on this blog, in the last 6 years I have cried 7 times. Well how about we just make that eight then.
This is not because I am insensitive. It is because I always put on a strong face, I have seen it as my duty to be strong for everyone else.
I’m not going to go into too much detail but long story short my mum came into my room after my arguement (whilst I was cleaning it) and somehow or another I ended up spilling a fraction of where I was at with everything. What I told her was only a fraction but it was certainly a lot. That is the point where I broke down, the funny thing was that it was halfway through telling her that I have a closet fear of heights (but like to walk on the edge knowing how much I fear it), that was because it was an analogy of a lot of things in my life.
I remember the first people I ever told was a group of year 9 boys that I was leading for a course two years ago. I explained to them something which I had just discovered (and am still discovering) about myself. That I have always felt it my responsibility to be confident etc…
I told mum tonight how I feel when I hear statements such as “I wish I could be as confident as you” or “you’re so lucky that…” and the kind. I never judge the person when they say it, because how would they know any better if I’ve made it my job to convince them in an effort to convince myself. But I am just the same as a majority of people, I walk into a room of strangers and scream inside, feel so scared, judged and inadequate, I think that there is a 9/10 chance that everything will go terribly wrong and then I go ahead and pretend to be confident.
Yesterday when my boss told me to park outside her place that is 4hour parking (we were catching a taxi to the airport and would be gone for 15hours) because in her whole time living there no one (including her) has ever got booked. I actually expected my car to have a parking fine when I arrived back to it.
I spilled to my mum that at the moment the people who have held the positions of deep trust in my relationships have either moved away or our relationship has changed. That basically, I have no one at the moment that I feel I can trust enough and cares enough about me (as a whole, not just one part of me).
My problem with all these things, the reason that I have had so much tension building up is that I can see so many things in the near future. Friends that I’m building a relationship with, money that I’m earning, my exchange to Canada getting closer, finishing my degree becoming near, my spine not aching and putting me through so much pain, my rowing taking me where I want it too… All these things I can see so close, but the thing that is tearing me apart is not being able to press fast forward.
Combine that of with the mass of contradictions in my feelings (ie my deep commitment to one rowing club, yet a bunch of evident reasons to change to mention one) and my determination to look on the bright side of life (ala forced confidence) and you get the reason that I’ve been so unsettled recently.
So hows that for a blog post!
But after all that, I can say this with complete and utter honesty.
“Life is good, life is so real, life is hard. But life is the only we have to live and believe me; each time we do it ‘right’ (however that looks) the rewards are so worth it.”