Well…I’ve been thinking a lot recently.
Kinda decided that I am a complicated person.
– Then I realise that everyone is complicated in some ways, even if its not obvious.
The other thing I’ve noticed is that I am also a very simple man, I can really be boiled down do a few small elements.
– Everyone is simple in ways.
Also, I have been so aware of people’s insecurities recently.
– I’ve been analysing people a bit to much, not judging them, just reflecting on people to understand myself.
Still, there has been some eye opening.
I’ve been going through a real “discovering myself‘ phase.
Life in Black & White
When you’re young, life seems so black and white — that works so well! It is so simple, granted it is sometimes hard, but still so simple.
In the last year I have done so many things that I would never have expected of myself. Some really significant things used to be so black and white, don’t seem that way anymore.
– Some of the previously “white,” “good” things that I have done, have been reduced to grey once I realise their true worth and ramifications. Sometimes doing what I thought was caring for people has caused more pain for both parties in the long run.
– Some of the things that I previously thought were a solid black have proved to be things that have taught me so much and given me so many opportunities to meet and become closer to people that in turn has given me bountiful opportunities to care for them and make a difference in their life, however small. — This year I’ve loved finding little Luke shaped holes in people, groups etc and filling them. — Is that selfish? Or does that mean I get satisfaction from caring?
In some ways that paradox kinda screams Romans 8:28 to me… but only the second part. I still ask my self why some of the “most right” things I do seem to not be that white, but rather a shade of grey. Are my motives wrong? Or are they right at the time and I judge myself wrongly afterwards?
I seem to judge myself quite harshly — but even that has changed at points this year. How can I judge myself so hard on trivial things and yet I have seemed to be contempt with other things, is it contemptuousness? or is it hope in those things working for good in the long run? or is that just false hope and I should be more remorseful?
I have always judged my abilities so harshly too (I hadn’t attempted to write a song in over 3 years due to me being over critical of my song writing abilities). I struggle to take a compliment. I really do. My dad once told me that to shrug a way a compliment was in a way an insult to God, seeing as he did a good job of creating you, you should appreciate compliments and pass them forward to your creator. In ways this was a very good lesson…. but more often then not it seemed to just make me feel guilty that I didn’t appreciate or even properly acknowledge the things I was gifted at.
On the other hand, I don’t seem to judge others much at all. I have felt so judged by various people and institutions throughout my life. This led to a decision at a very young age that there was so much good possible from everyone and never to judge a book by its cover (my old book of the Hobbit that made me fall in love with reading for a while taught me that :P).
Recently I have actually come to acknowledge this as something I am proud of, I have received compliments regarding it and haven’t shrugged them off, instead the reply has often come as something like “Thanks, I appreciate it. I hate judging people, it is so wrong and it is so important for me not to have anyone feel judged. I would rather they feel accepted.” Sometimes wonder if it will and/or has already led me into strife.
— Am I too trusting of people?
— Do I let my guard down to often, only to hurt myself and more importantly…hurt others?
Does this matter too much to me?
I really hope my lack of judgement hasn’t led to poor judgement. So far, I think, I have been lucky, and without judging people I have still been able to discern enough to make what I hope are right decisions for me.
What’s Wrong With Religion!!
Just putting it out there, I can’t stand religion for just that purpose. Judgement. All religion is about is judging. Who is right? Who is wrong? Who lives a good life and who doesn’t? Who is going to the heaven or hell equivalent or being reincarnated at the highest level? Religion seems to make unfair judgements on people. There are expectations that people are required to live up to, lest be looked down upon by others and the “greater authority” of that particular religion.
I think this is the single reason why I hold my particular beliefs that relate to Christianity (based on forgiveness), but certainly not “the church” as an institution. Institution of “the church” has caused much pain, led to many holy wars, crusades, abandoned children, murdered men & women, assassinations, brainwashing, misinformation, control of education and the mixing of politics and religion. Let alone, possibly the biggest problem of it, is the church neglecting its responsibility of caring for people and providing them a place to be loved “NO STRINGS ATTACHED” with a kind of love that doesn’t judge people. I believe that unfortunately a democracy is the best system we’ve got but let’s be honest, if Jesus walked the earth today, he’d be more “communist” in many ways than anything else.
To be fair I think the problem lies in people. First we are given “choice”. Look back to Adam and Eve, see what happened? I am so glad that we have the choice, because that is what love is isn’t it? For example, if you program a computer to send you a message of love every day it is completely different to someone choosing to express their love for you.
However, these choice-empowered-people (myself included) that inhabit the Earth seem to stuff up every perfectly created thing in it — even the thing that was created to save them from themselves.
The other thing that has been on my nerves is, doesn’t this all matter to anyone else? I am not going to force anyone to believe that I am right (I can’t even vocalise exactly what I do believe), I am certainly not going to judge them. But it seems that every time it comes up in conversation, suddenly I am a mad man with “funny old-fashioned beliefs” receiving reactions like: “really if they were proved to be right with all our modern science, then everyone would believe?” or: “whatever helps you sleep at night” (that one is a pet hate… as it doesn’t seem to HELP me sleep at night!).
Not being cocky but I am an intelligent human being, not a fool. I am smart enough to know that we can accept, but never comprehend, things like infinity and eternity. And of course where we fit in the scheme of things. Some times it is better to have faith in things. Like I don’t always know or feel, or have any justifiable reason to expect my parents to pick up the pieces of anything I do…but I have faith that they love me and will always try. I don’t understand how the human body (or moreso: mind) works, but I have faith that it does work much better and more intricate than anyone understands.
I am struggling with expectations.
People have always had such high expectations of me. And I have always tried my best to fulfil them… Maybe I should have let more people down, because I am at a point where I know I won’t be able to keep it up any longer… that hurts.
A lot of these expectations are my own dreams that I really want to happen, and it will hurt when some don’t. It doesn’t help to know I’ll be letting other people down.
I was always the creative child, the smart kid, the techno wiz, the talented musician, the people person, the good kid, sensitive guy. That I would find someone who I could make happy for eternity and have wonderful kids. That my wife & kids would also fit everyone else’s nice little expectations too.
It doesn’t make it any easier that I have a beautiful sister now married and achieving well, as well as to brothers that are living healthy, happy lives. I am really so proud of them. After watching Sal and Chris get flourish and wed, seeing Jamie with Ainsley tonight has ringed the same tones… I am so proud. But I don’t know how I am ever going to live up to that, let alone deal with Jesse surpassing me.
Wow… that was depresso!
Now that some of this is down in writing I realise just how much thinking I have been doing — more than I thought!
On a new note. During 2007 I made a lot of breakthroughs. It was (how weird saying “was” in reference to 2007) an amazing year not to ever forget. It certainly had its share of heartache (a feeling that is sometimes too foreign for me to be comfortable with). Since the age of 12 I have (really) cried a total of 7 times I think. 4 of these times were in the last 6 months. For 3 completely different reasons.
But its share of breakthroughs (some related to heartache) have made it so worthwhile and have shaped me as a person. 2007 has been a year that has defined so much of me, whether I am going to like it in the future or not.
I have also rediscovered my love for some things recently. This year I have played more music, read books, drawn pictures, written songs, and made more new true friends during this year than the last few years…all things which I had written off.
This year I have had more passion for life (in many varied forms), for the things I am doing and for people. More passion in general (it has confused me somewhat, meh, oh well). I have also had more confidence. I have always been fortunate to be raised with a good understood self worth, regardless of how secure and confident I felt.
Confidence in the notion of making up for lack of self worth or insecurity is something I haven’t wanted.
But true passion and confidence have been amazing to experience.
My Signature Advice for 2007
This year my single most common piece of advice to people has been a recurring: “We don’t know what is going to happen in the next month, year or decade. However, we are privileged enough to be able to look back in a day, week, month, year, decade and lifetime and say ‘Wow, that’s how it all worked out… Amazing!‘ – and more likely than not, it would be consistent with our character (which is in ways fluid) and the things that we want, whether we realise it at the time or not.”
2007 has been a great year. I have a lot of wonderful people around me who mean so much to me… I know I couldn’t ever trade that for anything.
In particlar, I love where I live. I love my family. I would love to one day move into a place at Narrabeen Beach and raise a family there with an amazing wife who I hope to make so happy, to end up as loving and cute as my grandparents are at their age.
If only people knew how much I appreciate all the impact they’ve had on my life… stuff that, more importantly, I just want them all to know how bloody special they are!
I think that is my goal for 2008. I hope I achieve that, it would be awesome if everyone knew that…imagine that world…how different it would look…
This has been a rather personal entry, much more than usual, so the comments are off for this post. I still think my blog has at times been a good record for my life to date (even if I have lost 100s of entries), that’s why it belongs here. If anyone has actually read this and wants to say something, find some other means 😀