26thOctober

My Philosophy on Women

NOTE: Sorry the comments were not working due to them being picked up as spam. I was considering removing this post because it was not very clear or very well written… instead I will keep it as a record of where I was at the time - and over time when I get the chance and inspiration I will fill it with disclaimers and changes :) thanks for your comments - I really like this being an open discussion.

I was talking to a friend recently, proclaiming how happy I am to be a guy. When I say this I am often interpreted as sexist, chauvinist, competitive or dismissive etc…That interpretation is definitely way off. – Note: this post was ispired by a discussion, it is not my complete philosophy of women, men or relationships

As a matter of fact, I have an enormous respect for women… that is why I am glad that I am a guy… let me expand.

Of course there are the usual “guys are better than girls, so there!” that I do not agree with, however some that I do like are arguments that I do not deny like:

  • standing up to pee
  • being naturally stronger (physically)
  • less overtly emotional – Note: I’m not saying guys should bottle their emotions - I made that mistake for a while - I am saying that in my experience it has got in the way less
  • more often focused on one thing and thus doing that well
  • guys relationships are less complicated (if a guy hates another guy - no back-stabbing, he just tells him) – Note: Again, from my own expereince; however I go on to say what I like about women’s relationships
  • the hunter-gatherer instinct (lets go on an adventure!!) — Note: I know women love adventures too, I am just referring to the difference I see in my younger siblings/cousins between the genders (again, huge generalisation)
  • not as much social pressure to look good — although this is unfortunately changing, it is still not to the same degree
  • the awesomeness that is “mateship” etc… — Yes girls have a special relationship style

But once you look past that I’ll tell you why I am glad I am a guy.

Guys get to date/marry girls!!!

This is great for many reasons, however trivial they may or may not be:

  • girls are generally great listeners
  • girls put a lot of effort into making themselves look good, we don’t put the same effort in for them (and I couldn’t ever do that!!!)
  • they smell better, sweat less
  • when you’ve been exercising they still think you look good (as long as you don’t smell)
  • they are better at letting you win
  • girls will complement your cooking, clean room, hair cut etc…
  • I love to be a rock, the foundation in a relationship, they’ll trust you to be so
  • they’ll snuggle up into you regardless if they’re your wife, sister, mother or a very good friend
  • lets face it girls look a lot sexier than us — we get to appreciate it!
  • just reiterating that point, when god made girls he was thinking something beautiful!
  • I love being the pillow, it helps me sleep
  • girls often have a better instinct with peoples emotions
  • when you hug a friend (girl) that you haven’t seen in a while/has just been through something big, they sink into you, let you be comforting and make you feel like a man
  • they generally have a much better sense of style, but won’t judge you on it
  • they can actually see more colours than you can!
  • pictures and drawings of girls are so much more beautiful
  • girls walk more like they’re floating, its nicer to look at
  • they often hold themselves with more self respect - but not obnoxious pride
  • they’ll let you look them directly in the eyes — I swear god did something to us that makes that so powerful
  • they don’t see emotions or the like as a weakness
  • their skin just is softer - full stop! and their hair too!
  • their body shape is much more artistically designed — cars copy that from them (hence why guys love cars - guys want to be trucks, buy they love to drive the sports car)
  • their feet & hands don’t look gimpy like ours
  • they can sing under their breath
  • their motherly attributes, how they can just seem to care for children
  • hair. short hair is much more convenient, but I love it how good long hair looks on girls and how they put in the effort to put up with the annoyances
  • they often have great diplomacy and tact in situations which need it
  • how they can gently tell you when you are wrong
  • they know how to caress and comfort better than we do - and have less hesitations in doing so

Of course there are many things that I don’t think I’ll ever understand about women.

There are also things I will never desire of women - I am sure that goes both ways!

I know all women certainly are not the same & these things don’t apply to all women - but men are like that as well - that is the beauty! It is how the generalisations are broken and individualised. Note: Generalisations - I am referring to stereotypes, I don’t need all of these stereotypes, nor would I ever want anyone to conform to them and miss reaching their potential - I think these things are good (when it suits the personality of the girl) and that they should be appreciated

Think of Jazz music, you learn all the rules, love all the rules, but love how they are bent and broken - that is the individualisation, the art!

I am so glad to be a man and all that entails, one of best thing is that we get to have women as our companions - I think it was designed quite perfectly!

Note: This was written within a few weeks of breaking off an 11 month relationship, it was a revelation, a wonder that I could see and appreciate all these things at this point in my life

7 Comments

gem says 28th October @ 16:01

What you wrote is absolutley gorgeous.

Stella Hayes says 29th October @ 12:31

Hi Luke,
I don’t think I have met you but I get to read your blog regularly as you are on Ryan’s footboot blog roll and because I am related to many of the regulars I read it pretty often.
Any way, I have to make a comment on your last entry because you pressed some of my buttons. I thought I would have a go at trying to explain to you why a lot of what you say might get women telling you that you are being sexist. I am happy that you are pleased to be a man… so you should be! Being male gives you a lot of priveleges and when we are priveleged it is better to acknowledge it. I live and work in Alice Springs with a lot of indigenous people. I have to say that I am happy I am white because I am in a more priveleged position. On most measures, Aboriginal people do it a lot toughter than I do. Aboriginal women in particular have a hard life.
Any way, back to your entry. Luke, as a feminist I have the view that most of what makes us male and female is socially constructed, not biologically predetermined. There are a couple of things on your list that relate to biology but most of whatis there is a socially constructed. Even beauty is has cultural components. Did you know that the ancient Greeks saw the male body as epitomising perfection and the female body as flawed. They would have completely disagreed with what you wrote about females being more beaustiful. Much of what we do as men and women is because we feel that is what isexpectedofusas part of our gender identity… but it not ususally conscous as the expectatiosn are communicated to us from a very early age. I saw the classic example yesterday. We went to Ellery Creek Big Hole for swim with the Frenches who are staying with us at the moment. It is a wonderful permamnent rock hole about an hours drive west from our place. The water was initially cold. We were with playing with Hannah on the edge and she wouldn’t go in because it was too cold. There was family near us with a little boy, I’d say about 5 years old. His fathe rwas in the water and trying to get the boy t come in. The boy didn’t want to. Gis father called him a wimp and picked the boy up and put him on a lilo. The boy stated crying and saying it was cold. The father told hiliterally said a few times that “big boys don’t cry” and told him he was being a sook. The mother said nothing. It is things like that which communicate loud and clear how a male is meant ot be emoitonally. As psychologist, and many years a bar peroson, I can assure you that men feel emotion as much as woemen but exerience less permisison to express it. This isOK if the man has an easy life but if he hits problems, which ineveitably mostpeopel do and he is unable to express his emotions appropriately, he can have all manner of difficulites. Men doi express less overt emoiton but this is not innate, it is cultural and ultimately it is very unhealthy. Most of the things you list are cultural sterotypes that limit peoepl in the full and truthful expression of their humanity. I loatehr the idea that as a woman I am meantto spend more time on my appearance. I am angered that I am meant to tend to the mael ego and let him win or be so gentle if I disagrreee with him or that I carry the main responsibility for the nurturing of people. Who do these stereotypes serve and who do they let of the hook. When you do couple counselling peopel so ofgten appeal to these stereotypes as a n excuse not to have to consider that some of the ways they are behving might be making things difficult.I think list like the one yo wrote … and you can find them everywhere are part of maintaining rigid gender stereotypes that in the end limit all of us and I strogly believe we need to get away from this sort of thinking. I knowit is very widespread and the basis for a lot of humour, but I htink it causes a lot of problems for individuals and definitley for hetersexual couples.
Any way, end of sermon. TYhis stuff really get s me stirred up!
Stella

keith says 30th October @ 14:29

I think lists can be tricky because it suggests that this is what people should be rather than focussing on stereotypes that often aren’t that accurate.

Why do you think you couldn’t care for children or be diplomatic. The fact that you say women dont see emotions as a weakness suggests to me that perhaps you dont see emotions that way either.

At the moment the most complicated relationships I have is actually with men not women. It has actually been more helpful to me as a human being when a woman has challenged me (often not tactfully) to be a better person and not assume I am the rock. I probably dont enjoy it at the time.

I reckon the things that make men or women really interesting are the things that make them different from others as much as the things that make them fit a list. I know you put a rider about difference in your last paragraph but I think this is more than saying it doesnt apply to some or its OK to break the ‘rules’ once they’re in place.

Indeed thank you for challenging me to think a bit. You’ve got me reflecting on how I see women and men. Two guys sharing emotional things.

lukefreeman says 31st October @ 9:54

Stella, really appreciate your feedback, no time to really respond right now.

Keith
A lot of these characteristics are ones that I admire because my experience (the women in my life) has shown me how well they do those things — that inspires me to do some of those things well

- using your example: I love kids!! I really enjoy taking care of them, I find it heart warming to see the women in my life have such tact, capability and care with children. (similar story with diplomacy)

Spot on with reading between the lines about emotions thing - this goes hand in hand with my comment earlier about men not not being over emotional. Again this comes from my own experience. I am fortunate to have some very good guy friends who can express their emotions, but don’t get overtly emotional about small things — this wasn’t easy though. I like it how women seem to be able to do it more naturally — flip side is what I love about being a man (not necessarily being as hypersensitive)

Being “The Rock” - I got myself into a problem in my last relationship where my girlfriend at the time started to become too dependent on me — I take responsibility for that because I was always so keen on being dependable. There are so many risks involved and it must be done right - but when I look at some of my role models I see it being done quite well. It should be noted that “The Rock” is no kind of status to be sought after and given no kind of preference.

I really didn’t want for it to sound like rules — I used rules in the Jazz music example to refer to generalisations. No one wants a stereotype!! But there are some consistent things about women (ie some have “this and that”, others have “that and this”) that need to be appreciated by men.

Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate it — I like to be challenged, sorry if I sound at all defensive, I just realised that I was a bit under-prepared and insensitive when I wrote the post.

Thanks again!

keith says 31st October @ 22:40

Luke
Thanks for the responses. This isn’t straightforward stuff for me either so its really fun to think about it all. Maybe we’ll meet someday and we can solve it all over a beer.

Rebecca says 8th November @ 8:54

Luke,
Heard about your ‘article’ here and just had to read it.
And, as a woman married to a wonderful man, I totally agree with you. And for the same reasons that you love being a guy, are reasons that its also great to be a girl.
The protection and care from men in your life, their tenderness towards women… I could go on.
Just saying this is great, and is the way God intended it to be.

P.S. I am Chris’ sister.
Bec

Kev says 21st November @ 21:24

Luke,

It’s bold and courageous to put big ideas out there like this. Good on ye.

I think Stella’s got a lot of truth behind her on her points. Power to her indeed.

On the other hand, things are as they are… to some extent. It’s helpful to appreciate them as they are, even though I accept that in many ways, as Stella eloquently points out, we are all contributing to maintaining (or inventing) that reality along the way.

On the nature vs. nurture one, I would like to submit one little observation… when my eldest daughter was 3yrs old, she was playing with her trucks (we had been careful to ensure she had access to all kinds of toys, avoiding stereotypes), I was greatly amused to come into the room and see the game she was playing. All the trucks were having a tea party. It proves nothing but it’s on-topic…

I believe that men and women are findamentally different. I’ve been married for 18 years and I’m still intrigued, excited and mystified by my wife. It’s designed that way on purpose. God had two things to say, “man” and “woman”. They are both true, both of God, and both wonderful. They reveal different characteristics of His beauty.

All that remains is for us to continually misunderstand just what those aspects are and what they mean. After all. Once you figure it all out you have to stop wondering and journeying… and I wouldn’t that!

Bless you, Luke. What a topic to grapple with!

Kev

PS. On the subject of whether we men should be “the rock” of the relationship (because I’ve tried that…), there is only one saviour. Amen.

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